Wednesday, July 23, 2008

A Modest Proposal For San Francisco


My friend Bookworm, who lives in Marin County in the San Francisco Bay area recently recounted a plan by the City of San Francisco to spend $40 - $50 million of the tax payer's money to alter the famed Golden Gate Bridge to prevent suicides from jumping off the bridge.

As she points out, aside from the expense (the City's budget, like most California municipalities is a cause for concern) the proposed changes will significantly alter the look of this magnificent landmark and obstruct much of the wonderful view from the bridge for the thousands of people who drive or walk across it each year.

Having done both myself numerous times, I can personally attest to what an exhilarating experience it is...but what to do about the Bridge as a suicide magnet?

So, as a friendly gesture to my former stomping grounds, I feel compelled to offer a modest suggestion to assist in solving this dilemma.

Let's face it. Anyone with a jones to voluntarily off themselves can find numerous ways to do it if a swan dive off the Bridge isn't available anymore, and they're almost impossible to stop if they really are determined to go through with it. The TransAmerica Pyramid, Coit Tower or any number of buildings on Montgomery Street in the Financial District would make a superb substitute for the Big Leap, if a little messier to clean up. And there's always the usual recourses...the sleeping pills, the razor blades, a bullet to the brain....

So destroying the look and view from the bridge not only doesn't prevent suicide but destroys a part of the value of something that actually helps bring money into San Francisco as a tourist attraction.

And therein lies the solution, of course. Where the inept politicians that rule Gommorah-by-the-Bay see a problem, I see an opportunity.

Rather than attempt to stop those picturesque dives into the unknown, the City should immediately make a part of the Bridge a designated suicide area.

Not only will it save the taxpayers $40 or $50 million the City doesn't have but it would actually earn money, bring revenue into the City and increase the Bridge's value as a tourist attraction.

Just think of how much money is generated by those ferry trips and tours to Alcatraz. How much money do you think tourists would pay to watch somebody do a half gainer into the Bay from the famous Golden Gate Bridge?

And what about those helicopter flights over the Bay? Think of the surcharge for a close in hover over Swan Dive Alley!

And that's not even counting the merchandising money from tee shirts, mugs and refrigerator magnets.

Now, I hear the law n' order types among you mumbling as I write this 'but suicide is a crime..San Francisco can't be seen to encourage criminal activity.'

Oh re-eeally! A major sanctuary city for illegal aliens that issued same sex marriage licenses when it was against California state law and is in defiance of the US government's Soloman Amendment all of a sudden can't be seen to be abetting lawbreaking?

The laws against suicide are a wheeze anyway.If the perpetrator is successful there's nobody to prosecute and if they're not, no one is going to put them in jail..the worse that happens is usually a nice stay in a pleasant, tree-lined sanitarium for a while.

So I see this as a golden, innovative opportunity. Any city courageous and cutting edge enough to put a measure on the ballot naming a sewage processing plant after a sitting president with only 6 months left in office should have no problem jumping on this (no pun intended) whatsoever.

You're welcome, San Francisco. A small bronze plaque somewhere would be nice as a thank you, maybe outside of Tosca's or the lobby of the Phoenix Hotel if it's still there..just not on a sewage plant, if you don't mind.





4 comments:

Freedom Fighter said...

Well Truth Bandit,
I'm pretty tolerant of disagreement here and I don't run this site as an echo chamber, but you finally did it.

Consider yourself banned.

Aside from leaving another of your fake 'cowboy diatribes' about McCain on a completely unrelated article - in itself a real troll tactic as well as downright rude - you did what I explicitly warned you not to do, you insulted McCain personally, and not on the basis of politics or anything factual.

You and those like you are exactly the kind of despicable know-nothings who have poisoned any kind of reasonable political dialogue in this country.

As far as I'm concerned, while you have the right to be an obnoxious fool, you and those like you are unworthy of living in a free society.

I know you're reading this, so trust me..it's the last bit of attention you're going to get here, so enjoy it.

ff

Anonymous said...

I think that San Francisco is nutty enough to deserve this kind of sarcasm.

Anonymous said...

I know you are being saracstic but I must say I like your suggestions. Wish I had thought of them!!

You rightly point out that San Francsico is in violation of a number of state and federal laws. If the State and Federal governments were serious about enforcing their laws, the would politely tell San Francisco officials to immediately come in compliane with all Federal and State laws or lose all Federal and State funding.

Given the fact that the Federal and State governments want do this I'm forced to wonder how long the United States can survive. The government does not even have the moral confidence to enforce its own laws nor do they have the moral confidence to protect the country from foreign threats.

As for San Francisco, I look for Gomorrah-by-the-Bay as you call it to be one of the first targets of Iran or other Islamic terrorists. At least as I understand it, Islam is not very tolerant of Homosexuality. These idiots in San Francisco thumb their noses athe one entity that is keeping them alive and free, the military.

Actually the comparison to Gomorrah is not exact. Sodom and Gomorrah did not have ten righteuos people. I think San Francisco does. So it may be safe, for now.

Freedom Fighter said...

Hi Books,
Thanks for dropping by, pull upo a chair and help yourself to some Montrachet.Anyway like I said,this piece is all your fault.

Just trying to help out in my small,good natured way y'know.I'm sure the City would use the money to benefit The Children. Won't anybody please think of The Children?(lol!)

Hiya Poster,
Don't sell the US short just yet.Historically it's been a pretty bad mistake.

All Best,
ff