Tuesday, September 04, 2012
Weekend Monkey's Real Banana - An Exclusive Interview With Elizabeth Warren
Hideyho, primates! I'm here live at the Democrats national convention in Charlotte, North Carolina, and have I got a treat for you...an interview with none other than my old Pal Elizabeth Warren, the next Senator from the state of Massachusetts!
EW: Hello Monkey! I remember you trolling students for votes at Harvard...and the after party! No primate left behind! We sure drank a lot that night ( giggles).
WM: Yup! The absolute ultimate in diversity, just like I told you then. Great days, great days.So, not only are you running for the Senate in Massachusetts, but you have a star speaking role at this convention.
EW: Uh huh. Wednesday night,prime time.Introducing Bill Clinton.
WM: Ain't gonna miss it, my progressive cupcake. Just be careful never to let Bill Clinton get behind you or get you alone in a room.
EW: He pulls something out of his pants and asks me to kiss it, he's gonna think I'm Jewish instead of Native American, if you get my drift...
WM: Hee hee! That's my lil' class warrior! OK, level with me. You had that great schtick, about how nobody in America got rich by themselves, and then Obama 'borrowed' it, botched it and turned it into a ReThug rallying cry. That has to make you a little bit peeved, right?
EW: Well, no Monkey, to be honest. I mean yeah, he did kind of give the Repubs a feed line instead of being nuanced like I was, but we're both on the same end of the canoe, if you get my meaning. Besides, us Native Americans are used to having stuff stolen from us by the palefaces. I mean, look at the Pilgrims and Orville Redenbacher's popcorn.
WM: Forget about the popcorn, look at Tennessee, Alabama, North Carolina and Georgia. That Trail of Tears thing, is it really true one of your ancestors was a part of sending the Cherokees to Oklahoma?
EW: No comment on that Monkey. After all, I can't be expected to account for all my ancestors, can I?
WM: Nah, of course not. But that brings us to another subject, the controversy over your Cherokee heritage that surfaced during the Senate campaign...is it true you were listing yourself as a minority on that university directory of law professors thingy?
EW: Hey, it's just like I said..I just wanted to y'know, meet some nice people, make a few friends, maybe find someone special who, y'know, understands me, somebody to do things with after a week of grinding out Marxist dialectic on campus...nothing more than that. Is that so bad? All the Fake-A-Hontus stuff, it's all nothing but lies, all lies, Monkey! Just designed to try and prop up a corrupt, right winger Republican tool who deserves to have a tommyhawker thingey or whatchamacallit thrown at him.
WM: Actually, as I recall, he's pretty liberal and votes a lot with Democrats...
EW: NOT Liberal enough for the people of Massachusetts, Monkey..with that stupid pick up truck and those chiseled abs and boyish good looks..just sickening.I'm surprised he hasn't tried to do a strip tease in front of some of those voters!
WM: You could do that, you know.Maybe attract some of those crossover male voters..
EW: Don't think I haven't considered it.I can't believe the polls still show us neck and neck.
WM: But you're gonna win, right?
EW: I can depend on the sound judgment and the common sense of the good people of Massachusetts for that, Monkey. Remember, we're talking about the people who elected Teddy Kennedy, John Kerry and Barney Frank to office and kept them there for years!
WM: Yeah, I think you got a point there sweetums. You can always depend on Massachusetts. Sooooo...what will you say to the American people Wednesday night?
EW: (Giggles) Aw c'mon Monkey. A girl has to have some secrets.
WM: C'mon Babe, just a little preview, for my readers...
EW: OK, OK. It'll just be the usual, y'know. Aside from playing up Bill Clinton, it'll be y'know, Romney is Satan, Paul Ryan is Hitler, how they hate women, minorities, gays, that kind of thing.And maybe I'll try do a little damage control on my theme on how nobody in America got rich by themselves,kind of make up for President Obama's misstep.
WM: I think that's an outstanding idea, and I know you'll do it so well. And I have another idea, one that I think will make it go over even better.
WM: Honor your Native American heritage and spit in the eyes of your unworthy detractors by doing the speech in Indian dress.
EW: You think so Monkey? Really?
WM: Just try stuff this on.
EW: Whaddya think?
WM: I think it's you, Elizabeth. And it brings out those high cheekbones of yours I've always liked.Not to mention those baby blue eyes of yours.
EW: Ooh, Monkey. I always feel so much better after talking to you! Hey you know...after I finish the speech, maybe we could meet up, you know, have a few drinks, talk about old times? I could, I could umm, meet you in the bar over at the Ballantyne Hotel, I'm staying there...
WM: The Ballantyne??? Pretty fancy digs for a class warrior, don't you think?
EW: Hey the DNC is paying, OK? Even the bar tab's on expense account. But anyway, would you come, Monkey? I'd wear the buckskin, the headdress and the feathers for you..
WM: Now your talking my language, sweetcakes. Go out there, knock 'em dead and we'll have our own private powwow at the Ballantyne.
EW: Will do, Monkey!
WM: Until then my fair Indian maiden...or should I say, Senator! Thanks for dropping by.
EW: Anytime Monkey.
WM: Well there you have it primates! This is Weekend Monkey, signing off until next time..
Weekend Monkey was a Democratic candidate for president in 2008 and is JoshuaPundit's political Guru. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org