My friend and co-conspirator Weekend Monkey recently blew back into town after spending some time on the road in his campaign for the Democrat nomination for president. I found what he had to say very revealing about the sorry state of politics here in America during this campaign season...
FF: Hideho, Monkey. Looks like you got back in time for St. Pat's after all.
WM: Yeah, I needed to chill out for a couple of days, maybe see if I can set up a fundraiser or two.
FF: I haven't seen you work this hard since that time you got your tail caught in my vacuum cleaner!
WM: Yeah, yuk it up Buckwheat.
FF: I'm just messing with you Monkey. So how's the campaign coming?
WM: Well, there's some good energy happening...
FF: I notice that you haven't made it on to the Sunday shows or talk radio, and I don't see much in the way of press coverage..though I thought the `Larry King 'show was killah, except you didn't get much time.
WM: Yeah. It comes down to this - a lot of the primates who run the news and the media won't take me seriously, just because I'm a monkey. It's like there's some kind of glass ceiling, some kind of conspiracy. I mean, there are hotels that won't even admit me, can you believe it? Here, in 21st century America?
FF:Nah, you're kidding me...
WM: No, really! It can get really discouraging sometimes.
FF: I can imagine..can Kerry or Teddy help?
WM: I can't even get to Teddy Kennedy anymore since they let him out of rehab. The guy has handlers a mile thick...
FF: Wow, I thought you guys were tight..
WM:...and since that check he gave me when we were both uh-recuperating, nothing. And as for Kerry, we're still buds, but he hasn't exactly endorsed me yet - I think maybe he wants to see which way the banana falls before he commits himself, if you know what I mean. So right now, I'm kinda on my own.
FF: Monkey, you want some advice?
WM: Sure, why not?
FF: OK... Look...you started this campaign on some of Kerry's misappropriated campaign funds, that check you got from Teddy when you were both in rehab and a shoestring, and to be honest, I'm surprised you've done as well as you have. But you need to turn it up a notch, and plan better.
The college tour was great, and I bet it was a lot of fun (WM hoots and thumps chest) and you maybe even got a few supporters, but that not going to get you over the top. You need to decide what your message is and who your constituency is. I like the `no primate left behind' bit, and the stance you have as an outsider. You need to expand on that, take advantage of the rage and disaffection out there. The way I see it, there's a lot of space for a maverick monkey - nobody really likes too many of the people that are running so far. And for sure, you need to get yourself a staff - a proper campaign manager, a press person, a couple of good speechwriters, some organizers to get your name on the ballot for the primaries. And a couple of moles to dig up dirt on your opponents.
And you need to remember who your friends are, and take advantage of the media sources you already have. I mean, LarryKing would probably have you back on his show if you handled him right, and I'm pretty sure that was Arianna Huffington who called in when you were on - maybe you should try getting in touch with her. And I've always given you coverage on this site, even when you've been to busy to write the `Real Banana', post articles from the road or do the Friday signoff.
WM: Hey, I did it the signoff this week.
FF: I know, and I appreciate it. But if a large part of the dinosaur media is ignoring you, you need to go around them..and you need to create a groundswell of support big enough so that they can't keep ignoring you.
WM: What you say makes a lot of sense, Primate. Except, I don't really have the funds for much of a staff right now. I mean, it's not like I could afford Carville or Bob Shrum.
FF: Trust me, you don't want those guys anyway. Just find someone you can trust to help you take care of business.
And cheer up Monkey. Nobody ever said this would be easy - and look how far you've come already! Kick back, enjoy the now, and relish the journey.
WM: FF...you're alright, y'know?
FF: Glad to do it, Monkey. How's the hot tub feeling? You ready for another beer?
WM: You betcha, primate! Happy St. Pat's!
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