Weekend Monkey on the Democrat's Debate

Hideyho, my fellow Primates!

As you may have noticed, I was once again shamefully excluded from the Democratic debates. They wouldn't even let Terwilliger and me into the building. This kind of species-ist nonsense makes a real rotten banana out of the Democrat's claims to be for justice and equality.

You know what? I think they're afraid of this monkey and his ideas.

So what we got here, anyway? `Oooh, I was against the Iraq war before you were, nyah nyah nyah!'

What kind of poop is that? These are supposed to be serious candidates, with new ideas on which way the country ought to swing?

We got competing health plans from Obama, from Hillary and from Edwards that all basically say the same thing...raise taxes to the roof and let the government run health care. Hah! Two words, kiddo that ought to tell any sane person that we don't want government anywhere near controlling mandated health care - ever hear of `Walter Reed'?

What's more, I was listening closely, and I didn't hear much in the way of keeping our part of the jungle secure..unless you count some inane comments about gays in the military. Of course, if you listen to John Edwards, all we're involved in is a bumper sticker...which brings a picture to mind involving putting a bumper sticker in contact with his mouth.

I mean, some wacked out school teacher actually asked "Given that the circumstances in this country and in our world were essentially the same when you take office, what would be your top priority for your first hundred days?"

Check this out...

Edwards : "To travel the world, reestablish America's moral authority in the world, which I think is absolutely crucial. The other things become less important and subservient.

"We have huge issues here at home {...} energy; global warming; health care in America; {...} But the single greatest responsibility of the next president is to travel the world, speak to the world about what real American values are(...) to lead in taking action that demonstrates that America is strong, but that America is also moral and just, and we're going to help other people in the world and we're going to demonstrate our commitment to humanity."

Hillary : "Well, if President Bush has not ended the war in Iraq, to bring our troops home. That would be the very first thing that I would do."

Barack Yo Mama : "That would be the number one priority, assuming nothing has changed. The second priority is getting moving on health care because that's something that we can get done, I think, very quickly."

Bill Richardson : "Nobody's talked about your profession, education. I would upgrade our schools. I would have pre-school for every American, full-day kindergarten. I would pay our teachers what they deserve. I'd have a minimum wage for our teachers, $40,000....I would bring science and math academies to get America more competitive. I would emphasize the arts. I would emphasize civics, again, science and math. I would have universal education."

I won't even bother with the other schmucks. I mean, here we just caught some guys trying to blow up JFK, and Edwards wants to fix it by going on a junket and singing kumbayah with everybody, Hillary sez it'll all be fine if we just pull our troops out of Iraq and come home, Yo Mama likes that too, except he threw in a zinger about health care, and Richardson wants to give the same people who are turning out poorly educated primates in failed public schools even more money to do it!

Here's how this monkey answers that question....if you don't make your part of the jungle safe and secure, the other stuff doesn't matter!

As your new leader, Weekend Monkey's administration would pull our primates out of Iraq, all right..I mean, if we're gonna spend millions on undesirable desert real estate, there's always Rubidoux and East Salt Lick. But you gotta do it right. A premature pullout would just leave a mess, and one that always ends up getting some on you. Believe me, this monkey knows all about that.

Education? Hey, I'm the edjamacation monkey,just like I said on Larry King .If we're going to really effect education we need to end the species-ist admission policies - no primate left behind! And we need to see government funded tuition for our university students.

Immigration? My plan would create a program to bring monkeys and apes from around the world to America to insure that America gets the cheap labor it needs while letting the market place eliminate illegal primates by attrition.

There are thousands of my fellow primates who would jump at the chance to swing into the jungle that is America. Monkeys and apes will pick your crops, wash your cars and clean your toilets and work in the service industries to endure that the cost of labor stays wa-ay down.

Like I say, if we can create one set of special policies aimed at creating a low wage underclass and exploit their labor, why not do it right?

Y'know, Roger Ailes said today that if the Democrat candidates weren't able to handle FOX, they weren't able to handle al-Qaeda. He's right...and not only can't they handle al-Qaeda, but they're afraid of this Monkey and the aroma of his ideas for the future.

I ask you, primates...DO YOU WANT LEADERSHIP THAT'S AFRAID OF A MONKEY?? WELL, DO YOU??

Vote Monkey in `08...your chance to climb to the top of the tree!