A Modest Proposal For San Francisco

My friend Bookworm, who lives in Marin County in the San Francisco Bay area recently recounted a plan by the City of San Francisco to spend $40 - $50 million of the tax payer's money to alter the famed Golden Gate Bridge to prevent suicides from jumping off the bridge.

As she points out, aside from the expense (the City's budget, like most California municipalities is a cause for concern) the proposed changes will significantly alter the look of this magnificent landmark and obstruct much of the wonderful view from the bridge for the thousands of people who drive or walk across it each year.

Having done both myself numerous times, I can personally attest to what an exhilarating experience it is...but what to do about the Bridge as a suicide magnet?

So, as a friendly gesture to my former stomping grounds, I feel compelled to offer a modest suggestion to assist in solving this dilemma.

Let's face it. Anyone with a jones to voluntarily off themselves can find numerous ways to do it if a swan dive off the Bridge isn't available anymore, and they're almost impossible to stop if they really are determined to go through with it. The TransAmerica Pyramid, Coit Tower or any number of buildings on Montgomery Street in the Financial District would make a superb substitute for the Big Leap, if a little messier to clean up. And there's always the usual recourses...the sleeping pills, the razor blades, a bullet to the brain....

So destroying the look and view from the bridge not only doesn't prevent suicide but destroys a part of the value of something that actually helps bring money into San Francisco as a tourist attraction.

And therein lies the solution, of course. Where the inept politicians that rule Gommorah-by-the-Bay see a problem, I see an opportunity.

Rather than attempt to stop those picturesque dives into the unknown, the City should immediately make a part of the Bridge a designated suicide area.

Not only will it save the taxpayers $40 or $50 million the City doesn't have but it would actually earn money, bring revenue into the City and increase the Bridge's value as a tourist attraction.

Just think of how much money is generated by those ferry trips and tours to Alcatraz. How much money do you think tourists would pay to watch somebody do a half gainer into the Bay from the famous Golden Gate Bridge?

And what about those helicopter flights over the Bay? Think of the surcharge for a close in hover over Swan Dive Alley!

And that's not even counting the merchandising money from tee shirts, mugs and refrigerator magnets.

Now, I hear the law n' order types among you mumbling as I write this 'but suicide is a crime..San Francisco can't be seen to encourage criminal activity.'

Oh re-eeally! A major sanctuary city for illegal aliens that issued same sex marriage licenses when it was against California state law and is in defiance of the US government's Soloman Amendment all of a sudden can't be seen to be abetting lawbreaking?

The laws against suicide are a wheeze anyway.If the perpetrator is successful there's nobody to prosecute and if they're not, no one is going to put them in jail..the worse that happens is usually a nice stay in a pleasant, tree-lined sanitarium for a while.

So I see this as a golden, innovative opportunity. Any city courageous and cutting edge enough to put a measure on the ballot naming a sewage processing plant after a sitting president with only 6 months left in office should have no problem jumping on this (no pun intended) whatsoever.

You're welcome, San Francisco. A small bronze plaque somewhere would be nice as a thank you, maybe outside of Tosca's or the lobby of the Phoenix Hotel if it's still there..just not on a sewage plant, if you don't mind.