My pal Daniel Greenfield, AKA Sultan Knish brings da funny in the Canada Free Press with something I sure wish I'd written:
Barack H. Obama
666 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington, DC 20006
Dear Sir,
I cannot tell you how much we appreciate your budget cuts, your cancellation of the space shuttle and any replacement launch vehicle for it, forcing us to rely on Russian Soyuz ships and their space program, which can’t even seem to dock with the ISS Space Station.
Your wise decision in this regard, as well as your cancellation of any return trip to the moon, has caused us to reevaluate many of our programs, including the search for intelligent life on earth. We understand of course that space exploration must take a backseat to more important matters, such as bailing out the car companies and banks who contributed to your campaign. And of course the White House entertainment budget. Your historic actions since taking office have truly challenged us as an agency. We can only hope to one day be able to return the favor.
After carefully reviewing your new priority for NASA, to reach out to Muslims and make them feel good about “their historic contribution to science, math, and engineering”, which consisted mainly of ripping off Greek and Indian science, and passing it off as their own, we have developed a comprehensive plan for utilizing the talents and abilities of Muslims to further the goals of this nation’s goals space program, which you so articulately described as “That Outer Spacey Thing”.
Project 1: HATE Ignition
Project HATE proposes to solve NASA’s difficulties with liquid fuel rockets by employing Muslim technological innovation to achieve a new and inexpensive means of reaching Low Earth Orbit. We propose to use the greatest Muslim technological invention of the last 50 years, the suicide bomber (and by invention I mean they stole that from Asia too) to replace liquid fuel propellant.
Project HATE (Highly Active Terrorist Explosions) will chain together a long string of suicide bombers within each booster rocket. The suicide bombers will be assured of 72 virgins in paradise, and each one will detonate after the other to form a daisy chain of explosions that will take the shuttle up into the sky.
Our best math suggests that it will take approximately 3000 suicide bombers within the SRBs to provide adequate liftoff thrust for the shuttle launch. We will need the Muslim world to cooperate with us by providing 3000 suicide bombers for each and every shuttle launch. The benefit of this is that not only will this reduce the cost of shuttle launches, but it will also save untold billions in the War on Terror.
Project 2: Throw Things at the Jews
While we have been making efforts to reach out to Muslim countries and engage them in purely peaceful space exploration, our preliminary findings is that their main interest in space is to get into space in order to, and I quote, “Throw Things Down on the Jews”. And Muslim technological developments in rocketry and launch vehicles such as Saddam’s Space Gun “Big Babylon” and Iran’s nuclear weapons programs all have the common aim of “Throwing Things Down on the Jews”.
We at NASA believe that the best way to interest Muslims in space is to convince them of its potential for “Throwing Things at the Jews”, but in a way that benefits all of mankind, and doesn’t lead to any loss of life. As you may possibly know (or would if you did something besides golf and spend money all day) Earth is at risk of one day being struck by an asteroid that could potentially wipe out all life on the planet.
Utilizing your brilliant suggestion that we “go land on an asteroid”, we plan to send an automated vehicle to an asteroid and deposit an Israel flag on an asteroid that may one day hit Earth. We are confident that the Muslim world will immediately step up and join forces with us to develop long range weapons capable of hitting that asteroid. Particularly if we also leave a tape player on its surface blasting, “Hava Nagilla”.
Not only will this provide Earth with a poorly aimed global defense network against falling rocks from the sky, but it will also hopefully prevent rockets from being fired at schools, instead of into space where they belong.
Gotta read it all..
No comments:
Post a Comment