Iowahawk Strikes Again With 'Beltway Adventure'

Ah, the sordid brilliance of Iowahawk, who goes where no man has gone before...here's a taste:

WELCOME TO ADVENTURE! WOULD YOU LIKE INSTRUCTIONS?

>YES

YOU ARE SOMEWHERE IN BELTWAY FOREST, WHERE SOME HAVE FOUND TREASURES OF GOLD ALTHOUGH SOME HAVE ENTERED AND NEVER BEEN SEEN AGAIN. MAGIC IS SAID TO WORK IN THE FOREST. I WILL BE YOUR EYES AND HANDS. DIRECT ME WITH SIMPLE COMMANDS.

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. THERE IS SNOW OUTSIDE. YOU ARE BEHIND A DESK. ON DESK THERE IS A BUST OF CHURCHILL.

YOU HAVE A CONGRESS.

YOU HAVE A SENATE.

YOU HAVE A MEDIA.

YOU HAVE A TELEPROMPTER.

YOU HAVE A MILITARY.

YOU HAVE A BIG JET.

YOU HAVE $3 TRILLION OF GOLD.

YOU HAVE 82% APPROVAL HEALTH.

THERE IS 7.2% UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST.

YOU HAVE A RACE CARD.

YOU HAVE INAUGURAL PARTY LEFTOVERS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>EAT LEFTOVERS

>RETURN BUST

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU ARE BEHIND A DESK. ON DESK THERE IS NO BUST OF CHURCHILL. THERE ARE NO MORE LEFTOVERS. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>GIVE SPEECH

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 81%. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>NAME TEAM

ENTER TEAM NAMES. GIVE THEM WEAPONS AND SPECIAL POWERS SEPARATED BY COMMA. WHEN YOU ARE DONE PRESS CTL-T

>BIDEN, BRAIN
>HILLARY, RESET BUTTON
>HOLDER, LAW
>GEITHNER, GOLD
>RAHM, CURSES
>JARRETT, FASHION
>AXELROD, MUSTACHE
>SEBELIUS, HEALTH
>LAHOOD, LIGHT RAIL
>CULVER, FOOD
>CHU, AIR
>GOOLSBY, BLACK MAGICK
>GIBBS, MOUTH
>DUNN, FEMALE MOUTH
^T

DO YOU WANT CZARS?

>Y

ENTER CZAR NAMES SEPARATED BY COMMA. WHEN YOU ARE DONE PRESS CTL-T

>JONES, JENNINGS, HOLBROOK, CROWLEY, RATTNER, MONTGOMERY, BERSIN, HAYES, ROSS, STERN, ROSENTHAL, VOLKER, BROWNER, DUBOIS, DAVIS, FRIED, DEPARLE, KUNDRA, BLAIR, MITCHELL, FEINBERG, SUNSTEIN, HOLDREN, DEVANEY, GRATION, ALLISON, CHOPRA, BRENNAN, CARRION, CARTER, SAMORE

I'M SORRY. THAT IS AGAINST THE CONSTITUTION. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>IGNORE CONSTITUTION

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU ARE BEHIND A DESK. YOU ARE BORED. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>GIVE RESET BUTTON TO RUSSIA, BUY CAR COMPANIES

HOW MANY CAR COMPANIES?

>2

THIS WILL COST $85 BILLION OF GOLD. YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU HAVE 2 CAR COMPANIES. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH THEM?

>GIVE TO UNIONS

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 67%. UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST IS 8.1% WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>STIMULATE ECONOMY

HOW?

>$1 TRILLION TARP

YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH GOLD FOR THAT. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>BORROW GOLD

FROM?

>CHINA

WHO DO YOU WANT GOLD TO GO TO?

>BANKING AND INSURANCE FRIENDS

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 61%. UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST IS 8.3% THE FOREST PEASANTS ARE COMPLAINING. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>DEMONIZE BANKS, DEMONIZE INSURANCE, BLAME BUSH

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 61%. UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST IS 8.5% WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>GIVE SPEECH

CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR SPEECH HAS WON NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>FLY JET

WHERE?

>EUROPE

YOU ARE IN A PALACE. YOU ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF QUEEN. WHAT DO WANT TO DO?

>GIVE QUEEN IPOD

YOU ARE IN OSLO. YOU ARE IN TUXEDO. WHAT DO WANT TO DO?

>ACCEPT PEACE PRIZE

YOU ARE IN COPENHAGEN. YOU ARE IN FRONT OF COMMITTEE.

>REQUEST OLYMPICS

YOU ARE ON BIG JET. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?

>MIDEAST

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO THERE?

>APOLOGY SPEECH

YOU ARE IN A PALACE. YOU ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF FAT KING. HE SMELLS BAD. HE IS WEARING BED SHEET. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>BOW

YOU ARE ON BIG JET. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?

>BELTWAY

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU ARE BEHIND A DESK. ON THE DESK IS A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 58%. UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST IS 8.6% WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>STIMULATE ECONOMY

HOW?

>$1 TRILLION RECOVERY ACT

I'M SORRY, YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH GOLD FOR THAT. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>BORROW FROM CHINA

I'M SORRY, CHINA DOES NOT WANT TO LEND YOU GOLD. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>PRINT GOLD

WHERE DO YOU WANT GOLD TO GO TO?

>CONSTRUCTION SIGNS, WHATEVER

DO YOU WANT CONGRESS TO HELP?

>Y

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU ARE BEHIND A DESK. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 55%. YOUR CONGRESS HAS 31% HEALTH. UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST IS 8.9% YOUR FRIEND AT HARVARD IS ARRESTED BY POLICEMAN.

>CALL POLICEMAN STUPID, PLAY RACE CARD

I'M SORRY, THAT DID NOT WORK. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>BEER SUMMIT, BLAME BUSH

Read the rest here..absolutely hilarious.

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