Weekend Monkey Interviews Alvin Greene

Hidey Ho, Primates! Welcome to the one and only Real Banana, your source for the real poop on politics.

Let's do it and get to it..

This week I got a real treat for you, an exclusive interview with (drumroll) Alvin Greene, Senatorial Candidate for the great state of South Carolina!



WM: Hey Alvin, nice to see you.

AG: You too, Monkey.

WM: So how's the campaign going?

AG: I just keep gettin' my message out, about how Jim DeMint caused the recession. The momen-momo, uh, movement is goin' my way.

WM: So what made you decide to run for Senate?

AG: Well, that Jim DeMint, you know he caused the recession, and I'm here as an outsider candidate to fix that. So I ran.

WM: A lot of people, Democrats like Jim Clyburn, the House majority Whip said that they thought the Republicans gave you the ten thousand dollars to file and run.

AG: He lies, Monkey. I mean, if somebody would have gave me money to run, I would have taken it, but for some reason nobody did, so I had to put up the money - me, myself. I'm a independent, like one of those tea partyers, except I'm Democrat. You think the tea partyers would endorse me and give me some money?

WM: Well, I wouldn't know,I'm not really...maybe if Sarah Palin endorsed you?

AG: Now that's a fine lookin' woman. I could see us taking over politics, Greene and Palin. You got her phone number?

WM: Umm, no...plus, she's married, you know and I hear -

AG: What's that got to do with me?

WM: Well, aside from being married she's also a Republican so I don't think..

AG: Well they say politics is strange bedrooms, or something like that. But if's she's Republican it probably wouldn't work out anyhow.

WM: Right. Why do you think you were able to upset Vic Rawl in the primary? It shocked everybody.

AG: Well,I understand political science. I even have a degree in it from the University of South Carolina. So I ran me a sleeper campaign, took him by surprise.

WM: You sure did - no signs, no ads, hardly any rallies or speeches..

AG: That was my strategy. A surprise attack, like an ambush in the jungle..just like I'm gonna do to that Jim DeMint, for causing the recession .

WM: I was watching CNN and they interviewed one guy who said he voted for you because he'd always liked your music...he confused you with Al Green, the singer.

AG: Confusion, yeah, that was my strategy.

WM: It worked pretty well. Let's get to the issues . You said once that one of your plans to create jobs was to have people build action figures of you in military uniform. What gave you that idea?

AG: Well, makin' action figures is work, is jobs and I figure if they're gonna make action figures, they could make one of me in my Army uniform, Air force uniform...I even have a drawing here, of one of me in a ninja outfit. And this one, as a cowboy...

WM: These are really cute! And you could have accessories, you know, like enemy figures, maybe a horse, all sold separately, of course.

AG: Yeah, just like on TV. You see, Jim DeMint, who caused the recession would never have an idea like that. And I have other idea too. Like a fashion line, the Alvin Greene Collection. Maybe a cologne.

WM: You could call it Alvin Greene's 'Confusion'. The smell of politics...

AG: Ye-eah! I like that!

WM: I figured you would. Speaking of confusion, what's the real deal behind you getting indicted for a felony a couple of months ago? What's up with that?

AG: Just misunderstood intentions, Monkey. See I was in a residence hall over at the University Campus where I used to go -

WM: I thought you graduated..

AG: Well, yeah, but I still had my old ID card to get in, and it's still a fun place to hang out, meet people, you know? So any way, I was in this residence hall and I got to talking to this little freshman chick in a computer lab they got there, just havin' a little fun, and she got weird and reported me to the security.

WM: You were indicted for showing her porn on your computer screen and then telling her "let's go to your room."

AG: Just tryin' to break the ice. Hey, she said no way, I was cool with it, no harm done.

WM: What exactly did you show her? Never mind, skip that question.

AG: I was, you know, just using my confusion strategy on her. I figure it was like something Clinton might have done.

WM: Or Teddy Kennedy?

AG: Yeah.

WM: So this was all just you being part of a proud Democratic Party tradition?

AG: Uh-huh.

WM: Well, maybe. I hope it all ends up working out for you. I'd hate to see you get convicted on a rap like that.

AG: Thanks.

WM: You also are for free healthcare and free college tuition.

AG: Yeah...I feel my constituency is the sick and kids in college.

WM: You know, free tuition was one of my campaign planks when I ran. I got a lot of support that way.

AG: Ummm!

WM: OK, Alvin. The polls show you way behind Jim DeMint. Do you think you can win?

AG: It'll be just like the primary. I'm gonna come from behind to win because I got confusion on my side.

WM: Best of luck Alvin. Thanks for dropping by.

Smell yah later, Primates!

Weekend Monkey was a Democratic candidate for president in 2008 and is JoshuaPundit's political Guru. He can be reached at wendmonkey@yahoo.com

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