Hidey Ho, Primates! I'm back! Welcome to the one and only Real Banana, your source for the real poop on politics.
I know you've missed my wisdom, but I've been on an extensive college tour lecturing to America's primate youth and working on a couple biz deals..as a matter of fact, this Monkey is slated to be narrator on the Michael Jackson funeral DVD..both the with and without brain versions, available at the usual places soon.
Let's do it and get to it..
Today the story is the economy,plain and simple. It's a mess in DC, and this Monkey has real solutions. Now that my Democrats control everything, you'd expect a lot more to get done. Instead, it's like watching a bunch of baboons arguing about who's turn it is to pick the fleas off each other.
The stimulus itself might not have been such a bad idea, but giving the moolah to the same people that screwed things up in the first place without any accounting of where the money went as long as they kicked in to the campaign slush funds of Our Dear Leader or knew somebody who did was exactly the sort of thing I would have expected out of Obama. I feel free to say these things now that my efforts to get a soft job in the administration were so rudely ignored.
You don't tax people in a recession or spend money you haven't got...even a brain dead crack dealer knows that. You raise revenues and cut costs. Here's what this Monkey would do if he was sitting in the Oval Orifice.
Aside from grabbing up as much of the stimulus money I could get my paws on and keeping it from getting spent, the first thing I would do would be to legalize prostitution and drugs,make it a quasi-government enterprise like Fannie Mae,tax the wazoo out of them and institute horrific penalties for any black market dealers. No matter how bad things are, people still need poontang ( or in some cases, the beef torpedo) and getting high, and they'll pay for it. Especially if it comes with a guv'mint approved FDA stamp of approval. Aside from bringing in borkoo bucks, can you say full employment? Sure you can. As for me, I'd be proud to be known as the Drug Dealer and Pimp-In Chief who put Americans back to work and saved the economy.
The next thing I'd do would be to bring our guys and gals back from Iraq and Afghanistan and stop throwing our money away over there. Read the news? The Iraqis are cheering our leaving their cities as a 'victory' and want to be free to bond with their jihad pals next door...some allies, huh George W? We should leave and take anything with us that isn't nailed down as repayment for all that aid money.
In Afghanistan the locals want us out so they can go back to their accustomed 7th century way of behavior. Even Obama has admitted there's nothing much to win over there...not that he's acting on one of the few smart things he's come up with. I say we go. As a matter of fact, we could probably make deals on the way out with the local warlords for the opium needed to make the now legal drugs in my first idea. And since we could pay higher prices than the Taliban, that problem would be over and they'd either have to become a part of the new America driven drug economy or go back to having sex with sheep.And as a side operation, we could commish the Mafia or maybe even some of the more business oriented Taliban to burn the fields and settle any nasty problems with competition - permanently.
As a matter of fact, there's probably a lotta money we could cut back on when it comes to foreigners. We're broke. Why are we giving tons o' bucks to the UN? What are they gonna do if we don't pay, toss us out? And then watch as we evict them so they have to set up a new HQ in Zimbabwe or Gaza? Hee hee hee! I say we start charging them BIG Manhattan -style rent, with a bonus just because we can.
Another place we can cut back is on labor costs here in America, and the huge dollars we spend trying to catch, litigate and deport illegal aliens. The social costs for things like welfare, schooling, medical care and earned income credits, not to mention crime are bankrupting us.
I have already addressed this during my presidential campaign, and I still think the answer is comprehensive immigration reform.
The current proposals are limited in that they only target illegal workers currently in America, with the idea of somehow making them legal and subject to minimum wage laws.
That's no way to ensure continued cheap labor!
Imagine how much money we'd save if the US created a program to bring monkeys and apes from around the world to America as guest workers for industries like fast food, agriculture, construction, carwashes, gardening, house cleaning and similar businesses.
Monkeys and apes can do these jobs much cheaper and more efficiently than illegal aliens...they will practically work for peanuts. And there are thousands of my fellow primates who would jump at the chance to swing into the jungle that is America.
Monkeys and apes will pick your crops, wash your cars and clean your toilets. All they're asking for is an even break, a departure from the species-ist prejudices of the past.
After all, if we can create one set of special policies aimed at creating a low wage underclass and exploit their labor, why not another, especially when it saves us billions of dollars and keeps the price of labor down..wa-ay down! And think of the savings on education and health care.. most apes and monkeys do.. er... home schooling, as it were, and many diseases that afflict humans are not transferable from their fellow primates.
Rather than try to utilize an inefficient government bureaucracy to kick primates of one species out, we can concentrate on bringing in the kind of primates who will be a major boon to the economy, create new opportunities and let the marketplace sort the situation out as higher priced primates self deport out of the country.
Imagine the boost to America's small businesses! And productivity? Do you have any idea how strong a chimp is or how hard a gorilla can swing a hammer? I tell ya, Donkey Kong wasn't the half of it.
This is a win-win scenario, and a major opportunity for America to experience real diversity.
Is President Obama even considering any of these bold moves? Nuh Uh.
We need a new direction in Washington, especially considering that old Democratic
principle of counting every vote that counts and discounting those that don't. Believe me, I can count that way too.
With Al Franken in the Senate, cracks about 'those clowns in Washington' will take on a brand new meaning, and if Franken can get in, don't be surprised if I don't take a stab at it. You could be addressing me as Senator Monkey in the future....
Smell yah later, Primates!
Weekend Monkey was a Democratic candidate for president in 2008 and is JoshuaPundit's political Guru. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org