Monday, October 15, 2007

Breaking!! Weekend Monkey Ends Race For The White House

This morning, in a surprise development Weekend Monkey announced that he was no longer seeking the Democrat nomination for president, in a brief press conference in Ames, Iowa...transcript follows:

Thank you all for coming. I have a short statement.

I have decided to officially announce that I am ending my campaign and am no longer running to become the Democratic nominee for President.

There were lotsa factors that went into this decision, some personal, some practical...but the end result is that I've decided to leave the race.

I'd like to thank all my loyal supporters and especially my incredible campaign staff - Linda Gruppstein, Kurt Beibersnatch, Todd Terwilliger, Lydia Hooker and of course the many volunteers who signed on to the Weekend Monkey campaign to work for change.

I'll take a few questions now...

Q: Why now? Why not six months ago?

WM:(15 second pause) Because I felt that my ideas on immigration, national security and edumakation would be recognized as contributing to the national yakk-fest and that the media and the Democrats would give this monkey equal treatment. Boy, was that a mistake!

Q: So you blame the media?

WM: Well, duh! Here I am, cleaner than Obama yo' Mama, smarter, and with better ideas and smaller ears, but did you see the media shilling for me the way they are for him? Did any of you ask why I kept being excluded from the debates? Except for the You-Tube one...hoo, was that a zoo! It's a serious lack of journalist ethics to come to my events, drink my booze and fondle the female campaign volunteers and then not even write about me!

But I've learned, primates...notice, there ain't even a free glass of water available today.

Q: On another topic, Mr. Monkey. Are you going to be endorsing any of the other candidates?

WM: We'll see what I'm bribed - uhh, I mean, who's ideas I feel I can best support. You in the back.

Q: Were the problems with fundraising for your campaign a factor in your decision?

WM: Well, I can't say it wasn't part of the problem...takes a lotta moola to run, and I didn't have any fat cat donors or special interests in my pockets. You, please.

Q: Did Sue Ki Yung's allegations about your illegitimate love child have anything to do with your decision to drop out of the race?

WM:How dare you bring that up..classy move, baboon breath! See, this is exactly the sort of crap I've had to put up with all through the campaign.

For the record, I never had sex with that woman, she has ties to the Obama campaign and when the truth comes out, I'll be vindicated. It's too bad you can't be bothered to investigate this stuff before you put it out there. I thought you were supposed to be journalists!

Anyway, thank you, and good won't have this monkey to kick around anymore.


Anonymous said...

this is crap.
and i'll tell you why it is crap.
chimp.....boy......critizes the media and look at the questions they ask him....just look.
i have been following this, so-called campaign, at a safe enough distance to not soil myself.
i'm in oklahoma........
it's not the questions that chimpy was asked, it is the question he was not asked.
look at his statement.
he only says he will not be seeking the democratic nomination.
the media did not ask about, so chimpy didn't say anything about, an independent run.
mark my words.
baboon boy is not going anywhere.
egos like his are fierce, and don't come around often.
monkey boy is not going anywhere.

Freedom Fighter said...

Hi Louie,

To tell you the truth, this was news to me; Beibersnatch faxed it in today. I would have thought Weekend Monkey was in for the long haul.

I didn't know about the `love child' stuff you'll recall, I warned Monkey to keep his nose and every other part of himself clean while he was running for office. I hope he's telling the truth,although I gotta admit the little monkey kinda looks like him.

I'm sure I'll hear from Monkey once he cools down a little, and then we'll find out what's what.

Take care,