A Fistful Of Rebates

It’s halftime.

Both teams are in their locker rooms discussing what they can do to win this game in the second half. Diagramming plays. Texting their agents and German supermodel wives. Reviewing Belichick's aerial spy photos.

It’s halftime in America, too. People are hurting, and it isn't because of towel snapping and the ol' Kramergesic-in-the-jockstrap prank. They’re beat up and bruised, and wondering what they’re going to do to make a comeback. We’re all scared, because this isn’t a game. And because we're up against the Dragons and their all-Asia linebacker Hong Kong Chong with his crazy 'roid rage chopsockey chop-blocks.

The people of Detroit know a little something about this. Okay, yeah, so this isn't Detroit, it's actually New Orleans. So sue me. We were supposed to film this in Detroit, but GM rented it out to film their Chevy Truck Apocalypse ad. But imagine this really was Detroit, with all its gritty inspiring he-man decay. When the chips were down we all pulled together, hosed down the streets, and turned up the dramatic shadow lighting. Now Motor City is fighting again - as the world's cheapest location shoot for zombie movies.

Sure, I’ve seen a lot of tough eras, a lot of downturns in my life. I was in 'Every Which Way But Loose,' for crissakes. There were times when we didn’t understand each other, because you complained that I sounded like an emphezema victim who gargled with Grape Nuts. The fog of division, discord, and blame made it hard to see what lies ahead, no matter how hard I squinted.

Dammit, somebody get me a throat lozenge.

But after those trials, we all rallied around what was right, and acted as one. Did you see me bitch and whine after 30 takes with a smelly orangutan? No. I sucked it up and yelled 'action' one more time. Because that’s what we do. We find a way through tough times, and if we can’t find a way, then we’ll call the trainer and order another orangutan, one that doesn't throw its turds at the union crew.

All that matters now is what’s ahead. How do we come from behind? How do we come together? And, how about we slip a couple hundred bucks to the ref?

Detroit’s showing us it can be done. Just like Sergio Leone did with Spaghetti Westerns, It's reinventing a dying American institution with a fistful of dollars from sleazy Italians - and with me at the top of the marquee.

You're seeing the results in innovative new cars like this pink Fiat 500 J-Lo Edition. Maybe it's not a Gran Torino, but it's made in Torino. Or Ontario, or something. The important point is this: you buy one of these Italian-Canadian babies, and you'll be getting Chrysler the cash it needs to pay back the loans to the government that pays the bills for everybody in this whole city.

The one and only Iowahawk,of course. Read the rest here

Iowahawk Strikes Again!

Iowahawk is at it again with his usual brilliance. This time, he contemplates the chaos and insurrection after a government default:

August 2 is but a few days away, and you know what that means: I need to buy mom a birthday card. Also THE COMMENCEMENT OF THE BUDGETARY MELTDOWN END DAYS WHERE WE FACE FINAL ARMAGEDDON UNLESS WASHINGTON GETS ITS BAR TAB RAISED ANOTHER TRILLION. Or something.

I know the consequences of failing to do so are too horrible to contemplate, but I went ahead and contemplated them anyway. This resulted in a bunch of 140-characters-or-less prophecies for the Twitter hashtag #ConsequencesofDefault, which I have edited and compiled for your edification. If my inner Nostradamus is any guide, the post-apocalyptic future of August 3, 2011 looks grim indeed:

Beltway policy experts begin living by own wits; after 45 minutes there are no survivors.

Roving bands of outlaws stalk our streets, selling incandescent bulbs to vulnerable children.

Unregulated mohair prices at the whim of unscrupulous mohair speculators.

NPR news segments no longer buffered by soothing zither interludes.

Breadlines teeming with jobless Outreach Coordinators, Diversity Liaisons, and Sustainability Facilitators.

Cowboy poetry utterly lacking in metre.

General Motors unfairly forced to build cars that people want, for a profit.

Chaos reigns at Goldman Sachs, who no longer knows who to bribe with political donations.

Mankind's dream of high speed government rail service between Chicago and Iowa City tragically dies.

Sesame Street descends into Mad Maxian anarchy; Oscar the Grouch fashions shivs out the letter J and the number 4

No longer protected by government warning labels, massive wave of amputations from people sticking limbs into lawn mowers

New York devolves into a dystopian hellscape of sugared cola moonshiners, salty snackhouses and tobacco dens.

At-risk Mexican drug lords forced to buy own machine guns.

Chevy Volt rebate checks bounce, stranded owners more than 50 miles from outlet.

WH communications office reduced to sending talking points to Media Matters via smoke signals and log drums.

Potential 5-year old terrorists head to boarding gates ungroped.

Defenseless mortgage holders forced to live in houses they can actually afford.

Without college loan program, America loses an entire generation of Marxist Dance Theorists.

Read the rest here.

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IowaHawk's Twitter Questions For Obama ?!?!

As you probably know,President Obama (or more likely, one of his designated Czars) decided to spend some time on Twitter answering questions via the #AskObama hashtag...and the one and only IowaHawk definitely has some :

An $8 billion high speed train leaves Chicago for Iowa City at 8:15am at 40mph. Why?

If shovel-ready projects create jobs, wouldn't spoon-ready projects create even more jobs?

How come you haven't made unemployment illegal? #duh

Instead of making cars get 62 mpg, why not 62 million mpg? Also, do something about the gravitational constant.

Don't you just hate going through those TSA lines? And hey, what about that airline food?

Serious question: what's the biggest hardship you've ever dealt with in your life?

Have you ever had a menial job, changed your own oil, or fixed a toilet?

Subtract Malia's age from the number of states. Multiply the result by the number of jobs saved or created.

Math wasn't your strong suit, was it?

I let my Mexican drug lord license expire. Am I still eligible for the free machine gun program?

When you're visiting his volcano lair, does George Soros let you feed the laser sharks?

The staffer who suggested this Twitter Town Hall is fired, isn't he?

Are you smart enough to create a problem so big that even you could not solve it?

Why isn't your cabinet unionized?

If Joe Biden has a massive stroke, (a) do you have a replacement in mind, and (b) how would you tell?

Is there any job you'd be better at than president?

If you ever had a yard sale, how much would you ask for those styrofoam Greek columns?

More goodies over at the link.

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