Friday, June 20, 2008
FF: Once again,it's time to swing through the rancid political jungle with JoshuaPundit's own political guru and former Democratic Presidential Candidate, my pal Weekend Monkey.
But before we do Monkey, I think you owe it to your fans in Joshua's Army to explain to them why you've been MIA for over a month.
WM: Look, I already feel bad enough about it as it is...can we just drop it already?
FF: You're a public figure, Monkey. You have responsibilities.I think you'll feel better if we start out by acknowledging what happened...after all, it's the beginning of recovery and starting over, no? Denial ain't a river in Egypt, Monkey..
WM:@##!$!..all right, all right already! OK, here's what went down. You know I was doing pretty well betting the primaries.
FF: Your track record was impeccable. You even picked Hillary to win in New Hampshire when no one else did.
WM: Yeah, yeah...well I decided to lay most of it on the Pistons to knock the Celtics out of the NBA playoffs.
FF: Were you on crack, Monkey? You took the Pistons?
WM: The Pistons and points - look, I figured it would be another nice payday like when I took the Giants and five against the Pats in the Superbowl. Instead, I got clobbered, and the bookies took all my money..waaahhh hah hah!!
FF: Dry your eyes, Monkey. It happens. Look, you have to stay away from sports betting,that's all. Remember what happened to you when you lost all that money playing golf with OJ Simpson and Kato? Anyway, there's more to the story, isn't there?
WM:Yeah...I don't really remember so much...I'd been drinking pretty heavily and I guess I just got a little nuts.
FF: You don't remember smashing up that sport's bar where you were watching the game, ripping the TV off the wall and throwing it at that booth?
WM: Look, I was like..distraught, y'know? And the place was filled with #@!!# Celtics fans mocking me.
FF: They weren't so bad..they could have pressed charges for assault. I would have, if somebody ripped a TV off a bar wall and threw it at me. By the way, what did you end up being charged for?
WM: Public drunkenness, vandalism, destruction of private property, assaulting an officer and resisting arrest.And uh...thanks for bailing me out, FF.
FF: Don't mention it. When's your court date?
WM: In about two months. My lawyer says I'll probably end up with community service and a fine, and have to pay for the damages, but no jail time.
FF: You're lucky about that...you, cute n' furry, in prison...
WM: Thanks a @#!! lot, FF.
FF: Just rippin' you, Monkey. So what have we learned?
WM: No more high stakes sports betting for me!
FF: Good man uh-monkey! Now that this is behind you and you faced up to it honestly, you can go back to being JoshuaPundit's political guru with a clear conscience. And remember, you really have to watch your alcohol intake...you're a different monkey when you're drinking, and you don't want to have to wind up in rehab again.
WM: Hey, the last time I was there, Teddy Kennedy was in the room next to mine and gave me a check to run for president..but you're right, y'know. I gotta clean my act up.
FF: Well said. You want to go over the last month's political happenings or just start off fresh?
WM: Let's start off fresh and forget the last month ever happened.
FF: Fair enough. How do you see the campaign going so far?
WM: I think it's Obama's to lose, if he gets nominated. The election will be all about him.
FF: You think there's a chance he won't be?
WM: A remote one, but yeah. Anything could happen between now and August..I mean, he could have lunch with Shrillary and end up with a mysterious case of food poisoning, y'know, hee hee hee!
FF: Good one, Monkey! Assuming that he is the nominee, how do you see things going?
WM: Way too early to tell, FF, but here's a few things to look at. The general is really fifty little elections instead of just one, and Obama Yo' Mama has a coupla choices to make, like Virginia or Pennsylvania? Both states are in play the way I see it, and that has a lot to do with who he's picking as a running mate. If he decides he needs more help in Pennsylvania, it might be somebody like Governor Ed Rendell. If he figures he has a decent shot to take Virginia, then he might go for Tim Kaine or Jim Webb..and Webb, remember, has some national security cred, which Obama Yo' Mama also needs. It'll all come down to his polling people.
FF: Yeah, I agree, but Webb has a personality you could peel paint with.
WM: True, but that could actually be an asset if Obama Yo' Mama is looking for an attack dog to run amuck while he stays presidential and reads the teleprompter. If you think about it, that's kind of what he's been using his campaign and the 527's for all along..they say the nasty, negative stuff and then he can plausibly deny it if the poop gets too thick.
Another wild card has to do with Obama Yo' Mama's people doing what they refer to as 'massive voter registration drives' in the black community in the South and in the big cities in the North and Midwest..
FF: You mean stuff like walking around money, voting dead people, felons and homeless people, right?
WM: Exactly, FF! We're dealing with a Chicago pol here after all. And one with a ton of money. But even with that, it's gonna be dicey, and will depend a lot on a lot of factors - the economy, McCain's running mate, Obama's running mate, what happens at the conventions and whether Obama says any more dumbass stuff or has any more stuff in his past that hasn't come out yet. One thing I see that I find interesting is that the two candidates are pretty much in a dead heat, which ain't so good for Obama. At this point in `04, Kerry was running about twelve to fifteen points in the polls above Bush. I also think the debates will probably be a factor.
FF: Speaking of which, did you notice that Obama turned down McCain's invite to do townhall style debates?
WM: Are you kidding FF? Did you really expect him to agree? I mean, have you heard this clown without a teleprompter? Anyway, I don't see the Red State Blue State map changing all that much SO FAR. The battle ground will still be in the Midwest. One advantage is that Obama has tons of money to saturate that area, but it didn't do him all that much good in the primaries there. So we'll see. Right now the polls show Michigan, Virginia and Ohio as too close to call, and I personally think Pennsylvania and Minnesota are too. And remember, you also got what I call the 'racist' factor going on - a lot of people might tell pollsters they're favoring Obama when they really aren't, so that they seem nice and liberal and open minded, y'know?
FF: That should make for some interesting exit polls come November. If McCain's going to have any chance at all he needs to start hitting Obama pretty hard on his inconsistencies. And he had better start working a lot harder on unifying the Republican party. You know what the funniest bumper sticker I've seen is lately? " @#! it...vote McCain. He's the least offensive Democrat out there."
WM: Hee hee hee hee! Personally, I think Bush did most of the work on the ReThugs for my Democrats way in advance!
FF: I don't disagree with you there, Monkey. Have a good weekend, OK?
WM: Thanks, FF, you do the same. And looky, primates, you have a good one as well.It's nice to be back.