Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Weekend Monkey on the campaign trail 4/23/07

Here's the latest I've heard from the Weekend Monkey campaign...ff:

"Hidey Ho, Primates...uh, my fellow Primates...uh, my fellow... anywho, whaddup!

I apologize to all my many fans for my long absence, but as youknow, I've been campaigning hard for the Democratic presidential nomination.

I know you want to read all about my triumphant road to the White House, so I promised ff I'd give you regular updates.

I'm writing to you from Ames, Iowa, where I made an appearance at Iowa State. I just attended a pancake breakfast with the locals and helped judge a few candidates for The Clayton County Dairy Promotion Committee for Clayton County Dairy Princess, AKA Little Miss Squirt.

Charming, hmmm???

I've learned a lot about farm issues since I've been here, and announced my support for a new policy for federal ethanol subsidies that went over gangbusters with the locals.

Hey if it goes through, we'll be seeing Iowa sheiks with endless fields, harems of corn-fed lovelies and gold John Deere's instead of a bunch of Arabs with Rolls Royces and oil rigs! And I'm sure the primates will learn to live with additional taxes on their ethanol.

I want to make a formal statement here...John Kerry, my ex-pal bites the rotten banana.

Loserboy promised to help finance my campaign with money he had to get rid of anyway because of the campaign finance laws when he decided not to run...but now, he's flip-flopping again and `thinking about getting back into it',and the last check that grifter wrote me had a stop payment issued on it. And now, he won't even return my phonecalls!

Maybe Tur-Ray-Zah yanked his leash or something.

Anyway, this makes it more of a People's Campaign, and that's fine with me. When I'm elected, rest assured that there will be a few tax audits and eminent domain seizures of a few mansions and SUV's...and Kerry will be assigned by me as our ambassador to Gaza or Zimbabwe as a just reward.

New developments.. first of all, let me introduce you to our new campaign website WEEKEND MONKEY FOR PRESIDENT.

As the campaign becomes even more of a hellish jungle than it has already, go to the website for the latest on my triumphant swing into power as your leader.

Second, I decided to take ff's advice, and put together a real staff, and I know you want to meet them.

First of all, let me introduce Todd Terwilliger, my advance man and head of campaign security:

Todd joined the campaign in the enthusiasm generated by a really fun get together after my speech at Iowa State. He's majoring in peace and justice studies, has a drivers license and has already proven to have a cool head and a decisive decision making ability in tense situations without involving the authorities.

Next, let me introduce Linda Gruppstein, Campaign Coordinator and spokesperson:

Linda comes to us from the world of advertising, and first got involved with the Weekend Monkey campaign after helping form a `Weekend Monkey for President' club at Columbia U after my appearance there..

Next we come to Kurt Beibersnatch, Minister of Information and Propaganda:

Kurt came to the campaign from a fast track career with the fine people at Starbucks' in East Orange, New Jersey and has demonstrated his prehensile grasp of the blood sport of politics many times since he's been with us. He's also responsible for the fine website. Hey, Bush has Karl Rove, Hitler had Goebbels and I've got Beibersnatch.

Last, but certainly not least is campaign finance chairperson Lydia Hooker:

A key member of our team, she is the person who keeps the wheels greased and the campaign on track financially. Lydia comes to us after a successful entrepreneurial career in New York City and joined the Weekend Monkey campaign when she happened to see my speech at Columbia while there on a business trip.

Each of these fine young primates were willing to come aboard and interrupt their busy lives because they were willing to work for change. Well, I mean, they were working for change already in a manner of speaking, but now they work for change with the Weekend Monkey presidential campaign.

All of us join in saying `IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE! ON TO WASHINGTON!

Thanks for your support."

No comments: