Weekend Monkey on `Larry King Live'

Below is a transcript of Weekend Monkey on CNN's `Larry King Live'. I've edited it for content.



KING: Has Ann Coulter finally gone too far? Her use of a certain "F" word has even conservatives outraged. It's all next on LARRY KING LIVE.

KING: And now from Ames Iowa, we're on the phone with Democratic presidential candidate Weekend Monkey. Hello, Monkey!

WM: Hello, Larry. Thanks for having me on.

KING: Your candidacy for the Democratic nomination has sparked a lot of controversy:

(run video clip)

BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: Well,it just goes to show you that anyone can run for president. But I resent Weekend Monkey's insinuations that he's cleaner than I am, and his referral of me as Barack Yo' Mama is simply hateful. I think Monkey is a stealth candidate for the GOP, or maybe even Senator Clinton...and besides, everybody knows that I'M this years' victim candidate.

(end clip)

KING: Monkey, your response?

WM: I stand on the record

KING: What record?

WM: An old LP of `Sinatra at the Sands'. Ever hear it?

KING (chuckling): Wha?

WM: Hey, if Frank were still with us, he'd be in my corner...Frank was always one for the underdog, the outsider. Like me, he did it his way.

KING (still laughing): OK, Monkey, seriously...

WM: Hey, I AM serious, a lot more serious than Obama Yo'Mama...

KING: Hey, hey..

WM: Alright, alright. But here you got a guy who's acting like he supports the average primate when he's really one of the elites, just like they all are. He's saying almost nothing except easy platitudes, getting a buncha press because he isn't Hillary Clinton, is young `gifted' and Barack and is a black democrat. I mean, if he was a republican, would anyone care? And as for being a stealth candidate, the way he's dividing up the black vote, I wouldn't be surprised if the RNC had him on the payroll! I mean, he's from Chicago, that kind of stuff isn't unknown there, y'know? Me, I stand for something!

KING: When we come back, more with Weekend Monkey. And stay tuned for our montage of Anna Nicole Smith clips!!

KING: We're back with democratic presidential candidate Weekend Monkey. Monkey, you recently spoke at Columbia University where you had this to say:

(roll video clip)

WM:"Primates, friends and supporters..I stand before you today as one of your own, a member of the inter-species rainbow coalition involved in breaking new ground for my fellow monkeys, for you primates and for America! (Thumps chest)

I stand for the underdog, the other America, the little guy. I offer a monkey, not an echo. The primate who yearns to swing through the jungle of life at the top of the tree. (...)

As your president, I would immediately offer government subsidized college tuitions to all qualified primates, lowering university fees to a nominal $200 per semester and eliminating species-ist admission policies..because I have a dream of an America where a primate is judged by his place on the evolutionary chain, not the content or color of his skin or fur! (Wild, sustained applause). (....)

I ask for your support, not for myself...but for every primate and subspecies in America, the ones who are shut out of the current apartheid university system and shut out of the mainstream of American life....Say it loud, say it proud, no primate left behind! (crowd, ecstatic, applauding, begin waving whiskey bottles...chanting `no primate left behind!')

(end clip)

KING: Stay tuned for an in depth report on a gruesome confession that shocked America -- a woman's torso found in this man's garage. I gotta say , Monkey, that crowd looked enthusiastic. So you support government subsidized tuitions?

WM: You betcha, Larry...I want to be known as the Ejukashun Monkey president.

KING: Wouldn't you have to raise taxes?

WM: Nah. I've run the numbers and it's not that big a bunch of bananas. Besides, it's for the children. Won't anyone think of the children? You're not against the children, are you Larry? Is anything more important?

KING: Well, no...but it just seems like (clears throat) let's go to some of our viewers..Cindy. from Manhattan, you're on with Weekend Monkey

CALLER: Hi, Monkey! Man you left early....you didn't even stay for breakfast.

WM: Hi, Cindy..hey, running for President is a full time job, lotsa primates to see. But I want to thank you and your room mates for a wonderful time, and I'm looking forward to seeing you and the other girls on my next trip back to Columbia (hoots)

CALLER: I just wanna say that this Monkey has my vote, and we've formed a Weekend Monkey for President Club, he's real, he's here and he's lots cuter than Dennis Kucinich! Monkey is the one!

KING: Los Angeles, California, you're on with Weekend Monkey

CALLER: (thick Greek Accent) `allo, Monkey..this is Arianna. What is your position on the war, and don't pull the same nonsense you did with Helen Thomas at the press conference....

WM: Oh, were you there?

CALLER: No, but I heard all about it, and I think you need to clarify...

KING: Looks like we're...

WM: OK, Arianna. Look, let's face it. Iraq is one nowhere place. I mean, we've invested billions in that place that could have been spent much better. Hey, if I want to spend money on some undesireable desert real estate, there's always Roubidoux or East Salt Lick! I'm for pulling out, but I 've never been one to pull out prematurely, if you know what I mean...it gets messy.

CALLER: Hmmmm...maybe we should talk the next time you're back in L.A. Monkey, I know where to get in touch with you...

WM: Until then, Arianna

KING: So there you have it America! Weekend Monkey, running for president...

WM: I want to be your First Monkey! On To Washington!

KING: Thank you, Monkey. When we come back, Ann Coulter and the F word. And stay tuned for "American Idol" runner-up Kathryn McPhee. So our question of the night is, are the "American Idol" judges too tough this year? You can text your vote from your cell phone to CNN TV which is 26688. You text King A for yes and King B for no and we'll reveal the results on tomorrow night's show with Kat McPhee. Of course, you can always e-mail us by going to cnn.com/larryking. That's all. Don't forget the question, are the judges going too far in their critiques? We never critique our next host. He hosts "AC 360." He's the standard bearer here for late night television in America. He's Anderson Cooper....