Weekend Monkey Interviews Senator Kerry

Hoo, primates! Have I got an exclusive for you today! Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts had been busily campaigning for his fellow jackasses Dems, but apparently his schedule opened up when a few appearances got cancelled and he was kind enough to agree to do an exclusive interview yesterday with yours truly for Weekend Monkey's own Real Banana:



Hiya Senator,thanks for dropping by!




         Thanks, Weekend Monkey..nice to see you again..


Oh, you remember that party? I'm surprised...you and Teddy seemed pretty out of it.

Let's get to the real poop, Senator. Lots of people are attacking you for what you said yesterday about the troops in Iraq being a few bananas short of a full bunch. What would you say to them?


 Hey, it was a joke that didn't come off. People should get over it already..and anyhow, I was really talking about Bush and those other ReThugs that never wore the uniform, `cause I'm through being Mr. Nice Guy and I'm not taking these right wing sleaze attacks by idiots like Rush Limbaugh any longer and this comes right out of the Republican text book because they're afraid to debate anybody and I'm sick and tired of them picking on me because I'm not gonna stand for it anymore and anyway Bush is the idiot that deserves to apologize I still can't believe I lost to that moron . Did you know I served in VietNam?



Yeah, I heard something about it. You got medals, didn't you?





I sure did. Wanna see? Hey, lookie here... I got medals from both sides in that war. Three Purple hearts PLUS a Red Star and a Legion of Comrades Award AND a Hero of the Vietnamese Revolution with three forked tongues for disinformation. I got that one for telling the US Senate that we were murdering and torturing all those civilians back in `71 and the Winter Soldiers stuff. Even Jane doesn't have one of these babies, Monkey.


Wooo! Shiny! Betcha never threw that one away...





 No way, Weekend Monkey. Hey, there's a whole wing of the War Museum in Hanoi dedicated to me!



Wow! You really were a war hero!






Damn straight. The NVA didn't do that for just anybody.


Senator, why do you think people are so angry with you?




 
Sheer jealousy, Weekend Monkey. They know they'll never look how I look or have what I have. When you get in public life like me, Monkey, you learn not to be envious of people and their accomplishments.

I see what you mean.






Senator, is Bush really a moron?





He sure is, Weekend Monkey. Would you believe he doesn't even know which fork you use for oysters? The guy needs handlers just to get his shoes on the right feet!


I read somewhere he got better grades in college than you did...what's up with that?





.........



It was the right wing attack machine Weekened Monkey, they must have gotten into the computers and fixed the machines, just like in Ohio you know there's all kinds of evidence that shows that Diebold fixed those voting machines to say `Bush' no matter who you voted for and it was only a matter of a few thousand votes and I would have been President which I surely deserved to be I still can't believe I lost to that idiot but what are you going to do..Did you know I served in Vietnam?

Ummmm...yeah, yeah, Vietnam.





Besides, that doofus had to do things like run a baseball team and muck around getting his hands dirty pretending to be a no-neck oil driller out in Texas to get by. I didn't have to do any of those things. Like for instance, look how I got my money. You think Bush could have ever married money like I did? Not only once, but twice? I mean, he looks like one of your relatives, Monkey..no offense.

None taken. So that's the secret of your success, marrying rich women? I've always wondered how you do that. It beats workin', I gotta say. Could you give me a few pointers?




Well...for one thing, you gotta move in the right circles, be seen at the right places. And once you pick your target out, you gotta be careful not to move in too quickly and be too obvious about it or you'll scare `em off..that's the mistake I made with Fonda. And always always do a Dun & Bradstreet before you make your move..trust me on that one! And clothes, Monkey. The bee-yitchiz love a sharp dressed man. The right wardrobe is essential.


Check this out! When you're frontin' like this, they can't help giving up the moo-lah and the keys to the SUV!





Wow, Senator...you are truly the Mac Daddy with those threads!No wonder you had those women in the palm of your hand!



Anyway, Senator, thanks for dropping by.




My pleasure, Monkey. Thanks for letting people to see the real me for a change.








Well. that's it for this week's column, primates! Keep those e-mails coming to: WendMonkey@Yahoo.com