Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Weekend Monkey interviews..OJ Simpson

Today,the Real Banana welcomes as its guest none other than author, celebrity golfer and noted famous person OJ SIMPSON!! Can I call you OJ?

Yes you can, Weekend Monkey.

Just to let the primates in on how this all came about...I had already contacted you through ex-celebrity gofer Kato Kaelin about shooting a few holes of golf before you went back to Florida. And when that TV special on Fox sorta fell through, things opened up and you became available..and it was nice of Kato to agree to caddy for you, I think.


Yeah, Kato's cool..and besides, he needs the money and I promised him a nice tip if he did a good job....(takes a swing and hits the ball)

Oooh, nasty slice!


So, what do you think really happened with the Fox thing, OJ?

Just them reacting to a lot of pressure, Weekend Monkey.

They cancelled the book too, huh?

Nice shot, monkey! You're pretty good at this. Yeah, (chuckles) but they still gotta pay me. I delivered, I get the money.

Sweet! What a scam...

That's all I did it for anyway...I just wanted to make some money for my kids.

Did you worry that the kids would be upset about you going on TV and writing a book about how you would have killed their mom and gotten away with it if you had really done it? Weren't they upset over revisiting the whole thing?

Uhh.............Naw,not really. (swings)

Woo, another nasty slice! You must be off your game today, OJ.

......Well, it was upsetting, the Fox thing, you know.

Does it bother you that there are a lot of people who still think you did it? Can I make this putt a gimmee?

I don't play gimmees, Monkey. Make it or eat the stroke.

Damn, I didn't think you could make that! I dunno what's with my game today...just can't seem to concentrate. What say we make this interesting, say $150 a hole?

OJ, you're on! Y'know, talking about what happened..I was yakkin' with my friend Freedom Fighter about this. He's pretty sure you didn't do it, but that you know who did and are protecting somebody. He said they should have tried you as an accessory after the fact....

Well, everybody's got a theory, y'know (swings)

Damn... lookadat! That's a sure birdie, Juice!

Musta got lucky, Monkey (chuckles)..your shot. Oooh, into the bunker! Too bad!

#@!!##!! Anyway, ff says that you would never have done it because you knew the kids were upstairs and you wouldn't have taken a chance on them coming down during the murder. Plus, he says you would have planned it better so you wouldn't have been squeezed for time and been late for that limo driver back at your mansion. Or been that sloppy about getting rid of the clothes and shoes and stuff. He figures you were there and know what happened, but are keeping your mouth shut.

Man, I shoulda hired your friend as my lawyer. Woulda been cheaper than Cochrane and that Jewish guy, that's for sure. (swings) How `bout that - Ace!

Wha'? You got a hole in one! !!#$$!! I didn't even see it go into the cup...

Got to get into the game, Monkey. I'd use a sand wedge there instead of a nine iron there if I were you.

Yeah, yeah. So, anyway..what was the hardest part about being in jail?

Being very, very careful not to drop the soap. Heh heh.But then, I'm a big guy, never really had to worry too much. And I pretty much knew I was gonna get off when I got a good look at the judge and jury. Hell, towards the end of the trial it got to the point where all I had to do was sign a football or somethin' for Ito to get those sidebar rulings going my way...and did you read about the party I threw for the jury for voting the right way? (swings)

Ouch..another killer drive...I'm gettin' murdered here...uhhh, no offense...yeah, I read about that party.

Man's got a right to celebrate being not guilty of murder, doesn't he? Anyway, the whole thing was racist anyway. Not the Mark Fuhrman thing, that was Cochrane's schtick. But it was because I was a black guy and Nicole was this blond white chick.

Hey, Klaus Von Bulow went through the same thing, didn't see anybody calling him a murderer after he got acquitted. (Swings)

I can't believe how much your game picked up! And how did that golfball get over there where Kato's standing? One more thing...there was another trial, the one in Santa Monica. They slapped you with this huge multimillion dollar judgement. How do you make money without them getting their paws on it?

heh! schnort!

Oooh,I got my ways. That's game, Monkey..and $1,200 you owe me.

Ouchie! Thanks for the interview OJ..I think.

Oh, the pleasure was most definitely mine, Weekend Monkey. Later.... Kato! Heel!

Well, that's this week's Real Banana, primates. As always, send any comments, offers for paid appearences, university lectures and free stuff and any other communications to

Have a nice Thanksgiving, primates!


Anonymous said...

Hey weekend monkey, I got a real quick question, k? If your mother is Jewish, does that mean you are Jewish too? Even if you don't practice the religion, and even if she doesn't practice it?

And what's up with that anyway? I've got a friend who's an atheist and at the same time says he's Jewish. Just doesn't make any sense. An explanation would be greatly appreciated.

Enjoyed the interview, by the way.

Freedom Fighter said...

Hi Nazar,
Weekend Monkey sends his compliments and asked if I would answer your question.

The easiest answer, of course, and my favorite comes from Jewish painter Marc Chagall, who said `Anybody is a Jew whom the world treats as one'.

However, what we are talking about here is Orthodox Jewish Law, and it has a bearing on whether one needs to convert to be considered a Jew under Jewish law.

According to halacha (Jewish Law) descent is though the mother. So in a marriage where the mother is a Jew even though the father is not and the family does not observe the Jewish faith, the children are considered Jewish according to halacha.

Examples of people affected by this include Elvis Presley, writer Christopher Hitchens and of course, ex-Senator George Allen.

It doesn't work the other way around.

I agree with you that it's confusing.
Most people like your friend do not hold on to their Jewish identity and their reaction is much like Senator Allen's.

I would also put forth the modest idea that without at least some the spiritual component, claims of `Jewishness' are pretty meaningless, even if both parents were Jews.

I hope that answers your question!

happy Thanksgiving!


Anonymous said...

hey monkey boy, looks like you got a real grip on your club.
that is your club isn't it?
you know what it looks like you're doin'?
well do ya?