The Real Banana: Exclusive!! Weekend Monkey Interviews John Edwards!!

WM:Hideyho, primates and welcome to the Real Banana, your window into the steamy jungle of politics. This week, I have a real treat for you peeples...an exclusive interview with an old pal from the campaign trail, Senator John Edwards, who joins us now.


















JE:Hello,Monkey. Haven't seen you since Iowa








WM: Yeah.seems like years ago, huh?














JE: Heh heh,yeah.... been a long campaign..









WM: Let's get right to the real poop,Senator. Those National Enquirer creeps tracked you down visiting an old pal, Rielle Hunter at an El Lay Hotel at two in the morning, you have to flee to the men's room and subsequently, you copped to an affair....









JE: Yeah, back in 2006.It was a long time ago Monkey.It's something that causes me pain to this day.













WM: I mean,the Obama camp was yakkin' about you as Veep. What happened?
I mean getting caught there at two AM??










JE: Well Monkey, we don't always plan this stuff. I stopped in to the lobby to buy some sunglasses and realized that a couple of old friends were staying there, so I thought I'd drop by. Like I said the affair thingee happened a long time ago. Campaigning's a tough job, sometimes we all fall victim to seeking a little release...












WM:Why did you need to buy sunglasses at 2 AM?













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JE: ..............uh uh Well, I was planning to be up at sunrise, you how the sun hits you in LA in the morning....












WM: Yeah, almost like a flashbulb going off. I still can't believe you got caught in the men's room of a Beverly Hills hotel with your weenus in your hands . What were you thinkin'?? And how'd you get involved with this Rielle anyway in the first place?











JE: Campaigning's a tough job, Monkey, you know that. It just sort of happened.....like I said, it causes me pain to this day.













WM: But John. you're a hotshot #@@!! lawyer. Couldn't you threaten to sue this Rielle chickie? Claim entrapment, maybe channel the unborn kid as being happy in heaven after an abortion or something like that?













JE: $#!! Monkey, you don't think I tri - uh that is not my child and I'm willin' to take a paternity test to prove it.












WM: One source described it as looking like a mini-you in a onesie and I gotta admit...


























JE: All lies, Monkey. Just more trash journalism from the tabloids.













WM: Rielle says she won't allow a paternity test anyhow.













JE: Damn right she won't. And as we both know, I support a woman's right to choose. Especially in this case.














WM: Uhhh, ye-eah. So, what's the deal with this guy Andy Young? He says he's the daddy...














JE: Well,maybe he is. Like I said, this all happened a coupla years ago and there's no telling what was goin' on.















WM: Is he like, a Muslim or something?















JE: I dunno, why?













WM: Welllll...apparently he's living with Rielle Hunter and her kid is a rented mansion in Santa Barbara ..along with his wife. The guy must have hidden charms.














JE: He must have.















WM: Hidden charms and no discernible income?















JE: Maybe. I don't know that much about his personal situation. (laughs)















WM: Whee, what a player!















JE: We all got our talents, Monkey.















WM: I guess that's just another example of that other America we don't know about.














JE: Hey, Monkey...some people would say you're part of that other America we don't know about...I mean, you're living with that ex-campaign girl of yours, that Linda Gruppstein...and that Baby Monkey... and by the way, whatever happened to that Korean chick that Sukie Egg Foo Young or whatever her name was?

WM: Nice one, John. Sue Kee Yung was an Obama operative, and that was what the whole thing was about in the end. I was just doing a little too well in Iowa.















JE:Yeah, there sure wasn't any love lost between you and Obama! But I always meant to ask you...













WM: No and no, John. Gruppstein is my personal assistant and I just didn't want to see the little guy end up in a science lab, so I assumed custody.














JE: Commendable of you, Monkey.













WM: Now that that sordid poop is out of the way,let's get to the real issues.John, Gruppstein wanted me to ask you...how exactly do you get your hair looking that way?














JE: Oh, it's a long process Monkey, sort of a concerted process. First off, I only shampoo my hair in mare's milk and royal jelly rather than water only. Then, twice a month I go to the salon to get that hot oil treatment, then I...wait a minute! Wasn't this supposed to be a political interview? What the...










WM: No big deal John, Gruppstein just wanted what I guess we'd call a look at the inside dope. Back to politics...now that it looks like you're out of the running, who's Obama Yo' Mama gonna pick as his running mate?











JE: First of all, Monkey, I don't think you should talk about Our Fearless Leader that way. And to answer your question,I think he's gonna pick someone who helps him politically.











WM: If you're right, the logical pick would be Hillary.













JE: Boy, you really don't mind climbing out on a limb, do you?

WM: Hey, it's what I do, John. Lookit...she's making her big speech on the same night as the VP nominee, she and Bill got all this space at the convention, and 25% of her backers haven't signed on for Obama if you believe the polls. There isn't anybody else who remotely helps Obama as much as she could on the ticket.

JE: Yee-aah, if you forget the fact that they kinda hate each other.

WM: That's for sure! If I was Obama, I'd get a food taster! Seriously, the only drawback is whether Hillary would take it. If Obama wins and gets re-elected, she can kiss the presidency good-bye. if he loses, she pops up like a bad dream in 2012.

JE: Maybe...I think Obama's more likely to pick Mark Warner or Tim Kaine to help him carry Virginia or Evan Bayh to have a shot at Indiana.

WM: I'd say Warner if any of those. Bayh doesn't have the attack dog persona and neither does Kaine. But if it ain't Hillary, I figure it's gonna be a heavyweight like Biden...for gravitas.

JE: -----------

WM: -------

JE:Ahhh hah hah hah hoo hah hah!Gravitas!Monkey, you are too much!

WM: Ooo he hee hee hee hee! Yeah, hah hah hah!













Whew! You know, the funny thing is, it probably will be Biden.













WM:Ah hah ha...! Yeah...and I can already see the Rethugs rubbing their hands and getting the attack ads ready. Seriously, What's next for you , John?














JE: Well, I think I'm gonna take a little hiatus from politics, you know. I want to try and make my wife Elizabeth's last months as happy as possible and then see what the future holds for someone like me, who rose from being a coal miner's son to crusading for justice, truth and equality and rose to become a senator and almost vice president if it wasn't for John Kerry running such a crappy campaign and not appealing to the other America the way I begged him to do but he never listened to me now and I...









WM: So, it'll just be you and your millions, hmmm?














JE:It's the American way, Monkey. You work hard, get your law degree, sue the pants off the right people and you get ahead. Think of it as my own personal redistribution of the wealth plan...just a way of putting my principles into action, y'know?










WM:Yup, I get it. As a matter of fact, I think we all get it.Thanks John, for joining us on the Real Banana and sharing the secrets of your success...












JE: You're most welcome Monkey..take care now.